Questions

I've blogged for over 2 years now. When I first started blogging, it was an outlet to let out my frustrations, problems and basically just help me sort out the stuff in my head. Nobody read my blog when it first started. Except maybe a few. One of the first being Joyce. She used to surprise me by calling me and asking how was I and was I having some problems. I used to be shocked at her "telepathic abilities". Like, how in the world did she know I was having problems!? Then I realised. She reads my blog. Soon after, more and more people were blogging. Or should I say, I "discovered" more and more blogs from people I know. Nad's, Joyce's and a few others I no longer read. To speak the truth, I ain't interested in reading other people blogs. Unless of those I know. Then the blogging community got larger and larger, expanding by the hundreds, thousands. Soon, everyone around me was a blogger! Then I discovered, more and more people were reading my blog! I realised it's no longer safe to put my deepest, darkest secrets online! Someone I know might read it! Or worse! Someone I'm talking about might be reading it! My blogs became more and more "commercialised". More and more "superficial". I don't blog my true feelings anymore. And on rare occassions that I do, I get "slammed", "flamed", "shot", confronted and criticised. All for just blogging how I really feel, what I really think. Opinions are mine. Solely MINE. I have the right to say how I feel. At least I'm being honest. Notice the phrase "All content copyright of Selena Ho Suyi."? If you don't like what I write, yes you may comment, but please direct it at the post. And not at the writer herself. I mean. Am I not allowed to air my opinions? You can write your opinions regarding the subject. But how can one judge a person by the posts that she writes? But anyways, that issue aside. I feel that I've somehow lost the purpose of blogging. Don't you feel that my entries these days have been really superficial? All about things I do, people I meet, things I bought, places I went. All so meaningless. To me, anyway. No offence to other bloggers. But really. It's not enough for me. I want to blog feelings, opinions, problems, relationships, true stuff. Yet. I can no longer do that. It seems that I've been "emptied". Of experiences, feelings and that something that's real. I've thought about this long and hard. Maybe I should set up another blog. One that I can blog my innermost feelings. One that I can say names. One that I can COMPLETELY let myself out. One that NOBODY knows about. That sounds like a great idea. I should do that. But I'm afraid. I'm a rather private person. I don't like the idea of someone finding out that "secret" blog. And trust me, it will be found out eventually. I thought maybe I should stop blogging completely. Until I've gained more experiences, know more people, establish something real in my life once more, before I come back and blog. I need to find the meaning in my blogging. Something I've lost for so long. I need to feel pain, sadness and anger. I need to feel happiness, joy and love. I need to find answers to my questions. Need to find meaning in life. Meaning in blogging. Maybe I'll be back. Maybe I'll not be.