Do you ever wonder.. sometimes.. what if.. everything went well, we didn't argue, it didn't sort of just die off.. whether we'd still be together? Well, I do. Sometimes.. When it's really late, and I'm really bored.. I think.. What if.. it had all been good.. Till today, I still don't really know why it ended up the way it did.. When people ask, I just say it was a mutual decision. It was.. I think we both knew it was on the rocks, going nowhere.. Just that we took a long time to make a decision out of it.. I never really did talk about this to anyone.. Not even to my best friends.. I thought I took it pretty well.. I cried, of course, for days and nights.. Even before the end of it all.. And when the end finally came, I couldn't help but feel a sense of relief.. It's like a knot that had come undone.. I always thought I got over it really nicely, the wound healed quickly, I was up and about in no time. Or perhaps I was just drowning myself in a new environment, SIP was just a day after it happened.. And I didn't have anyone to talk about it to.. So I just kept everything to myself, just kept pushing everything deeper and deeper.. Maybe I never did have the courage to talk about it.. nor face the wound.. It has been coming back more often these days.. I don't know why.. I think it's a phase.. A phase that's getting stronger.. I hope it'll pass soon.. Perhaps, the person who's been hiding in an emotional cave all along was me.. These 3 years have gone by in a wheeze. I really thought I'd recovered.. After all, it'd been so long since it happened.. I've lived these 3 years pretty meaningfully and I was kept really busy.. I guess.. But now, I seem to be hitting a point in my life where everything seems so.. meaningless.. School is a joke.. I go to class barely once a week.. I do projects.. I only study for exams a week before the paper.. And exams are once every three months.. Sometimes I wished I had applied for NUS or NTU.. Instead of doing a private correspondence degree.. Which seems so.. meaningless.. Sure, it sounds great.. Hey, I only need to do 2 years.. And I've been slacking the way through.. Then I'll graduate.. With a degree from a good university in UK, no less. But who am I really kidding.. I miss campus life.. Poly life had been great.. I think tertiary education is great.. I'm glad I went to Poly.. And had a taste of what life would be in Uni.. I would have really wasted my life if I hadn't.. Digressing a great deal here.. But what I'm trying to say is.. My life is basically empty.. Nothing drives me anymore.. Nothing really motivates me.. And there are periods in my days where it's basically just really.. Empty.. Zilch.. Nada.. Zero.. These are the empty periods that allows me to brood.. Think.. About the past.. About the future.. About the "what-ifs" in my life.. And I hate it. If there was a list of what I regret in my life.. One of them on the list would be not putting in enough effort in the relationship.. I thought I did.. But now that I think back, I probably didn't do enough.. There's always the path of getting into another relationship.. And starting with a blank new slate.. But how can I.. When I haven't even recovered from the previous one.. How can I.. Even bring myself to love another.. When it still hurts me when I think about it.. How can I.. Start a new relationship.. When the previous one's still smarting.. I really thought I'd recovered.. I really really thought so.. But I guess I was wrong.. I guess the person who's hiding in an emotional cave has always been me.. I'm always telling people that there's no point moving on when you haven't let go.. Dragging that extra emotional baggage only slows you down.. It's not that easy to apply that in my own life now, is it.. Maybe one day.. I will walk out of this shadow.. And be able to share again..