Fear of the unknown

Soon, we'll have to find groups for our Strategic Management module. As I sat in front of my laptop this afternoon chatting with Classmate A and being told of the "not-so-nice" ways of another Classmate B, I was suddenly reminded of my year 3 groupmates. I never thought of the rest as classmates. Seriously. In my opinion, my year 3 classmates only consisted of Michelle, Shuan, Nith and Shuling. The rest of them merely just shared the same classroom as us. People who know of this history of feud between Us and The Rest might probably think I'm such a petty person. It's already been over so long, it's been one year since we graduated, and this Sel is still talking about it. But it's really hard to forget what we went through. Not so much of the unhappy times with The Rest, but more of what we went through as a project group. We were so much more than a project group. We were like family. We lived and breathed each other for the entire year. Stuck together strongly even though conflicts have arisen amongst the other groups. Backstabbers and gossip-mongers spreading gossips and backstabbing their own group members were a common thing in the other groups. Yet, our group managed to stay strong, we strived to bring everything in the open. No backstabbing, no gossips between us. Everything was real and strong. Perhaps we were just meant to be with each other. Everything just clicked in place. What I didn't like to do or couldn't do, there would be someone who could and liked to do. It's just weird how things just clicked together. Like pieces that fit. Competition was strong in our group, yes, but there was no rivalry, only the constant reminder to us to improve and outdo each other. All for the sake of our project group and to prove ourselves to tutors and The Rest. And now, I sit in my room, facing the laptop with the MSN window blinking with news of The Other group's member, Classmate A warning me about another Classmate B. I couldn't believe I sat there and started to tear. Shuan was online and I told her I missed Year 3. And I started bawling. Things are different now. I have struggled for the past one year, trying to forge friendships and perhaps project groupmates. I had a very good friendship with one classmate that somehow disintegrated because of an April Fools' Joke. I don't know how we came to this. But I really missed the friendship. I wished it never happened and I wished I could forget that it happened. Almost 5 months later, I came to a horrible realization that no, it couldn't go back to what is was before. I feel sorry. I must have handled it the wrong way. Egos were bruised, mainy mine, although I will gladly cast my ego aside for the sake of a friendship. But yet, it seems, this classmate has moved on and has found new friends. A new clique. A new group. I miss the friendship, but there's nothing I can do now to mend it, can I? It's like a broken glass figurine, you can mend it, but the scars will still be there. It won't go back to how true it was before, because you see the scars and you get reminded of what happened. And now, this classmate, has found a new project group, and I am not surprised that I am not in that group. Instead, I have been left to deal with the unliked Classmate B. Of course, I can handle it. Nothing a good talking to won't accomplish. But I just really detest this kind of situations because I am not one to be confrontational. Because when I actually confront you about something, it means that I couldn't care less how it will turn out or end. And it usually means things get ugly. I can't blame this Other Group of course, since we never really made a commitment to each other about who's going to be in whose group. But I would have expected to be consulted about it. I hate feeling like this. Being belittled and cast aside. I can say I feel so much anger and hatred now. And I really do feel angry and cast aside. I can always face them with a smiling face, joking and making everyone laugh with my funny antics. But honestly, I feel, the real petty person is perhaps you. You never really put much thought into this, have you? You hurt my feelings and then you perhaps thought to yourself it would be convenient if you just turned around and put all the blame on me (for being honest, no less). So that it'll be easier on your conscience. That you didn't (together with you good pal) pull an April Fool's joke on me. Expecting me to pour out my true feelings to both of you. I don't know what to do now. I just feel sorry for the friendship that went down the drain because of the instigations of your good pal to pull a fast one on me, that eventually resulted in this. You know what, the real evil person is your good pal. Oh god. The realisation. You've changed. You've really changed. I don't know you anymore.